Total Pageviews

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

It Ain't Necessarily True

I used to be a terrific speller.  I'm still not too bad, but by reading my writing, especially what's typed into the computer, which has spell check but not necessarily sense or syntax check, one would begin to doubt it.  Busy, hasty, preoccupied, trying to get thoughts on the page before they dissipate, deteriorating joints aiming some fingers in directions different from what I intend, distractions...whyever, I'm less and less the terrific speller.

I used to be what I termed a 'hopeless optimist.'  Not an optimist with no hope, but hopeessly committed to the optimistic view of life.  Now I'm not so sure.

I said in the last blog that the day is always better when I start it by writing.  Well, it's been a month, and there is hardly a day that I haven't started and ended the day writing, morning thoughts and evening gratitude. But the body hastens on its deteriorating way, gnawing joint pains keep me tossing and turning at night, energy dissipates, and frankly I'm feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  Several delightful outings and a couple of musical performance gems, conversations with dear friends, the joy of participating in critique and speaking groups, and a public reading with fellow poets and writers, all  come and go this past week, failing to satisfy very long beyond the occasion.

I shed a few tears at beautifully rendered flute and piano music, and later literally burst into tears at the singing of a hymn reminiscent of a painfully sad childhood memory, last Sunday morning.  Yesterday's Tai Chi lesson, even seated and doing only the upper body movements, exhausts me, (which is when I finally submit to the self-diagnosis of the previous paragraph)...and I have to leave half way through, fighting the urge to sleep...When I arrive home, instead of stretching out to do just that, I busy myself with this and that for four hours before I finally do allow myself to sleep -- for a mere 45 minutes.

Maybe I'm just losing that optimistic outlook...

I read.  I write, this, just before turning to the end of the day's gratitude journal.

Oh, right:  I have so much to be thankful for!

Friends, family, books, writing materials, literacy and the ability to write. Music.And for some reason I remember that our son's Karate teacher reminding the students that they can always improve, to  aim higher, not to gloat over what they have accomplished at any point, but to repeat after each sequence, "Better!!"

So I remind myself not to immerse myself in what  I have not accomplished, but that I can always improve in some way.  Like, naming how I feel. Like, making an effort to ask for, to take what I need.(like rest, for instance!). Like, reaching out so someone else in want or need. Optimistic.

Better is relative, isn't it?  Let me aim to become better, though not necessarily the best.  Okay, then, Better!!

The next day, and today, I wake up singing.  Singing I can do.  Praise God from whom music, from whom all blessings, flow.